People have this idea of me ... That I suppose I'm somewhat responsible for. Above reproach and squeaky clean in deed. Never caught with my hand in the cookie jar. The operative word is "caught". So this means at some point in my life I've errored.
Bc I mess up royally at frequent unplanned intervals my eye now becomes keen to the majority of forthcoming doom. Tonight as I write I just want to dump all of the garbage! Who needs a psychaitrist when I have a blog?! Hello!
So, here is a list things I want to say tonight.
ahem... let us begin
1. bad breath makes my skin crawl.
2. pork is not the other white meat. (i say this bc bacon is red. o_O)
3. I don't ever, ever need an explanation as why your breath smells the way that it does 10 minutes after you brush your teeth (see #1)
4. I wanto be in love.
5. I don't need anyone rewind me that I'm fat. (If we're ever in a shouting match and you deide you want the first words you to be "you fat..." your mother and her personal attributes and lifestyle choices will critiqued in a very un-Christ like way).
Whar would you like say?
Rantings, jokes, sarcasm at its best and a whole lot of other things all while smiling through perfect teeth.
Monday, July 23, 2012
My Invisible Life
Continuing with my ever-evolving rant of self obssession I examine this meager existence that I currently possess. I float through my day. I go through the motions and I ponder "am I really seen"? Is my contribution to this world more than just being alive, occupying a seat at my 9-5 and being somebody's mother. When I enter a room is my presence commanding? When I get a mind to I can show out. When I'm feeling real "extra" I boast that the party doesn't start until I walk in the room. Those are on my good days. Other times I can be socially awkward. Even in writing this blog fright grips my soul because if I share my thoughts than people will see me! Hear me even... And they may not like what they hear. "People" whoever these elusive beings might be not like what I have to say.
And then there are men. But that is another story for anothwer time. It's really not so bad. ;)
When do you feel invisible... if ever?
And then there are men. But that is another story for anothwer time. It's really not so bad. ;)
When do you feel invisible... if ever?
Friday, July 6, 2012
Afraid of Continuing to Fear
noun
1.
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding, apprehension, consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation, qualm. Antonyms: courage, security, calm, intrepidity.
All of the emotions shown above do not directly or even remotely resemble the actual fears that I carry. It causes me to seriously analyze why I fear. "Whether the threat is real or imagined" jumps out at me for some reason. I think public opinion is my greatest nemesis. I constantly articulate my dreams, aspirations, wishes and hopes. But fear always dominates. That dark shadow hulking in the corner. Lurking. Waiting for me to feel the cool of the doorknob in the palm of my hand and then it begins to squeeze. Not just my heart, but my mind races down a path with no finish line. There will always be something that is beyond my control. Someone will always disapprove. Money. Time. My health. My child. My age. Global warming. Obama's "mom jeans". The price of a Nicki Minaj lacefront. All things that I allow to distract me from me. I desire to wake up one day no longer afraid. I see what I miss out on. The freedom to be who I am supposed to be.
So, let's rewind. My foreboding, apprehension, consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation and qualms inhibit what I should have? So, I've been being stupid this whole time?Which is courage, security, calm and intrepidity!
Living at my fullest potential. Being who God intended. Not some fallacy of the good girl I portray. Me! All that I am currently are too many things to name. But I am making a decision to trust myself above all others.
I'm afraid of continuing to fear.
So, let's rewind. My foreboding, apprehension, consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation and qualms inhibit what I should have?
Living at my fullest potential. Being who God intended. Not some fallacy of the good girl I portray. Me! All that I am currently are too many things to name. But I am making a decision to trust myself above all others.
I'm afraid of continuing to fear.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
To Be In Want Of...
My wishlist is (in no particular order)...
To be more than I am.
To live up to my fullest potential.
To have so much wealth that I couldn't give it all away.
To smile daily and mean it.
To love without apprehension.
To expound without confusion.
To dance like nobody's watching.
To have my daughter never experience the heartbreak I felt from her father. Ever.
To meet my mother in heaven.
To really, really be in love (for real).
To see my daddy happy.
To see my brother's and sister's attain the unattainable (I'm not the big dreamer of the family).
To cry tears of joy.
To sing like nobody's listening.
To vacation consistently.
To write so ferociously a true conscious thought that is so poignant, relevant, intriguing, gut-wrenching, heartfelt and raw that Obama has to inbox me and say..."Girl, you did that!".
To meet a man that can discuss social reform, WuTang, porcupine fur, their first kiss, orange peels and how beautiful my eyes are in one sitting (without breaking a sweat...my eyes make'em squirm).
To be at peace with every inconsistency.
To keep my car clean.
To process fear as renewed energy and adrenaline to tackle everything bigger than my current reality.
To have dinner with Phylicia Rashad.
To slam a door and mean it.
Besides that... I don't want much.
To be more than I am.
To live up to my fullest potential.
To have so much wealth that I couldn't give it all away.
To smile daily and mean it.
To love without apprehension.
To expound without confusion.
To dance like nobody's watching.
To have my daughter never experience the heartbreak I felt from her father. Ever.
To meet my mother in heaven.
To really, really be in love (for real).
To see my daddy happy.
To see my brother's and sister's attain the unattainable (I'm not the big dreamer of the family).
To cry tears of joy.
To sing like nobody's listening.
To vacation consistently.
To write so ferociously a true conscious thought that is so poignant, relevant, intriguing, gut-wrenching, heartfelt and raw that Obama has to inbox me and say..."Girl, you did that!".
To meet a man that can discuss social reform, WuTang, porcupine fur, their first kiss, orange peels and how beautiful my eyes are in one sitting (without breaking a sweat...my eyes make'em squirm).
To be at peace with every inconsistency.
To keep my car clean.
To process fear as renewed energy and adrenaline to tackle everything bigger than my current reality.
To have dinner with Phylicia Rashad.
To slam a door and mean it.
Besides that... I don't want much.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)