Is self love wrong? I find myself warring with esteem and my health on a daily basis. Using my sword of “self esteem” to slice the cake of self loathing that I shovel into my open mouth gate by way of grease filled concoctions dressed sexy in sugar glazes and smooth/ salty aroma. All that yummy resting on my tongue. Filling my mouth rich and creamy. Sugary. Sweet. Enjoying the residue so much I save licking the corners of my mouth for last. Sliding down my throat and settling in my belly. Mmmm…. Small moans escape from my mouth without my control.
Providing a euphoric comatose aftermath that only my “junk” can provide. But my “Junk” causes the junk in my trunk to expand and ripple a dimple. Back fat falls far below an exceptable height on my body. Sweater’s camouflage… or should I say lie atop the unwelcome layers of blubber under my skin until I feel more like a hostage in my own body instead of the master of my own domain. Knees hurt. Back bent. Head still held high though because for many years I’ve lied to myself and said … The bigger the better, right? Not really even acknowledging that it’s a question rather than a statement. Ignoring stares of disgusts from those “smaller kind” of me. Other 30ish, articulate and chocolate girls that wonder, “why doesn’t she just do something about that?!”. Blaming the truth on my mammorys sometimes. Ignoring the rest like my thighs (look at my eyes…so pretty, deep, penetrating), My arms (enjoy my charm, nice smile… eyes up… ignore everything else), my belly (but she’s so funny, hear that quick wit…its all you’ve got to distract them).
Deep sigh.
Okay let’s try this again… You are f-word. Okay, use your words. Try new adjectives. Plump. Portly. Chunky. Bodacious. Voluptuous. Robust. Sizeable. Affluent in pudge. Protudicious (made that one up... lol). Jelly- like (that one too) Is that all you are? No. But does that.. (no pun intended) make up the biggest part of who you are? Physically... Yes. It’s what people see. This is not an expression of self -loathing but more of self discovery. Awareness.
Even in all this... I still think I'm fly. Lol. That might be laced with a tinge of conceit but I own every drop. Honestly ambivalence rears its lopsided head more than I care to mention. But this is my life. Its how I feel today. Right now. In this instant. Tomorrow, I may want to see something different. And the day after that. And the day after that. And the day after that...
Let's see how it goes.
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